Reuben Books Inc is a non-profit 501 (c)(3) organization that began in January of 2005 in response to one woman's story. With a minimal donation of $25.00 we will send you, or someone you love, a copy of 'Into The Clear Blue Sky,' which is the perfect gift for a woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss event.
Meeting the woman's need where she is at, in the privacy of her own home, 'Into The Clear Blue Sky' will lovingly guide her within the process of bereavement, preventing complicated grief. You can read the complete qualitative CASE STUDY from this project under the RESEARCH tab.
Mission Statement
To empower women who have been 'Initiated As mother' (I AM) through education, support, and awareness of the grieving process within the context of one woman's story.
The following is an excerpt from her journal...
"Somedays I feel myself suffocate with the pain. it comes from my belly, and comes up to my mouth and I can't get it out. I try to breathe and instead my breath comes in short bursts and my heart starts to thud against my chest. My eyes fill with tears that do not fall. why can't I cry? I never had a problem crying. Now they just sit in my eyes and burn like acid.
Somedays I drive and I feel I am not aware of driving, my body works for me but my mind is floating away. it is becoming a struggle just to keep myself from untying and floating off into .. wherever .. where do you float to? I have to physically imagine myself grasping at my toes and pulling myself back into my body .. saying 'No don't you abandon me too!'
I have this ache, it throbs constantly somedays I don't feel it as raw as others but it's there. I want to scream, I want to just cry from the depths of my belly.
Somedays I pretend I am still pregnant. I rub my belly and pretend my Son is still there under my heart, being nourished by me, growing, moving. Before, when he was first gone I felt movement, not now. And of course not then but hallucinations of movement, feeling like he was kicking when in reality he was gone. i was empty. Now I feel nothing.
I hear the words "lost her son" and I get so angry. I didn't LOSE my son, how flippy a saying is that? he didn't go anywhere. I hate that term. He died. My son DIED. Fucking words. I hate them.
Why don't people use the real words for a loss like that? A child died, not a "embryo" or "Fetus" a Baby. A person, a child. Just use the real words. Or is a child who isn't full term not worthy of that?
I hate that I didn't have more time with my baby. I hate that I didn't have a family who was excited about him like we were. That my support system sucks.
There are days when I want to be taken care of .. days when I need to be held and comforted. But no one is there to do that because everyone has moved on. And I am stuck.
I consider going for counseling and talking with other people but why the hell do I need to go to strangers for something I should be receiving from my family??
If Reuben were a child people acknowledged there would be more support. If he died after being alive people would be here, but since he was stillborn people don't seem to give a shit.
He was only "alive" to us. " ©2005.
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